You know how after you buy a new car, you think every other car on the road is exactly the same as yours? Those cars were there the whole time, but you weren’t focused on, say, blue Honda Pilots until you bought one and started driving around in a blue Honda Pilot. When that happens, you think to yourself, “wow, everyone drives a Honda Pilot!” Your belief changed when you changed what you focus on. It’s the same thing for men. Your current beliefs are based on your past experiences. If you look for assholes, you will find assholes. If you believe all men cheat, then you will keep finding men who cheat. That belief is keeping you from getting what you want, and it’s stealing your joy.
But, Karen, what happens when we look for an awesome stud who wants an awesome wife? Hmm, I wonder… Did you write down what you currently believe yet? Getting those beliefs on paper helps you realize what you have been thinking and believing up to this point. Only then can you start to transform those old beliefs into new, empowering beliefs that will get you closer to what you want, not farther away.
First, take a moment to be grateful for being aware of your current beliefs. Awareness is the first step to learning! Once we identify what it is that we believe right now, then we can work on transforming them into beliefs that are going to help us get closer to what we really want to create. Congratulate yourself for acknowledging them. You can only transform after you become aware of the things you want to change. That means that you’re winning already!
Perhaps your beliefs were created from your own personal experiences with men [teachers] you were never meant to be with long-term but who were put in your life for other reasons. Maybe one of the reasons you met was to meet someone else from that person’s circle who ended up being a friend. Every relationship was perfect for you at that time, and every relationship, romantic or not, is a gift. We don’t always realize the gifts our past relationships have given us until much later, if ever. Every relationship gives you the opportunity to either be angry and depressed or to learn and grow. You get to choose. Perhaps your negative beliefs, which are based on past experiences, were created from a relationship that didn’t turn out the way you wanted. I’m a recovering control freak, and I really struggle when things don’t go how I’d planned. It’s something I battle every day. As they say, “We plan, God laughs.”
Your current beliefs are your story from the past. Your current beliefs were conceived and written in the previous chapter of your life. Everything that is already happened in your life was in a previous chapter. The previous chapter has ended, and we are going to start a brand new chapter right at this moment.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -Rumi
But, Karen, I didn’t want that chapter to end. I want to be with him. Really? That’s what you want? Someone who doesn’t want you? Someone who cheats on you? Someone who left you? Again, that sounds like a blasty-blast. No, it’s not! You want what you had at the beginning, and you’re not remembering anything else.
Sometimes life finishes the chapters for you even if you don’t want it to, and I’m sorry to say. A relationship ends, a child goes off to college, you have a new baby, or you leave a job. But you can take control of your own story and complete a chapter when you are ready to end it. Why not?
I could stop writing this blog post right here. There are no rules about how many paragraphs my posts need to have or how many sentences are needed per paragraph. I can make this entire blog one paragraph if I wanted to, but it might not help you as much as I hope I can. The point is, I’m the author and I get to decide. It’s the same thing with chapters in your own life—you are the author! You can decide at any time that your current chapter is over and a new one is beginning right now. In this new chapter, you don’t believe the stories you told yourself before. I know, it’s not that simple. Believe me, I know. It just takes practice.
I put my new beliefs affirmations on my phone and read them every day. I heard a psychologist (I can’t remember who it was or I would have given them credit) say that listening to your affirmations in your own voice help strengthen your new beliefs I recorded my affirmations in my voice memos and play them back to myself while I was driving around. Another thing that helps us keep the faith and transform those beliefs is visualizing what you want your life and relationship to be like, taking the time to actually play the movie in your mind over and over and over again. Constantly visualizing it will bring it closer to becoming your reality.
Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some are happy, and some are exciting, but if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter has in store for you. -Unknown
Your beliefs guide your entire life, and the best part about it is that you get to decide which direction they take. You have the potential to write your story and take charge of the narrative. How powerful!!
…All I know is that you can change your current believes into those that make you feel like accomplishing your dreams and goals (even relationship goals!) is possible! And only when you truly believe it’s possible is when it will happen. And I know that to be true from my own life and therefore it can be true for anyone.
Wishing you lots of love,