Single mommas, this one’s for you…
Father’s Day can be hard. Especially when their father isn’t in the picture. Some of you are solo. I recently saw a T-shirt that read, “Any woman can be a mother, but it takes a badass mom to be a dad too.” Let me take this opportunity to remind you that you’re a badass! You’re doing a great job (even in the moments when you don’t feel like you are)!
For some of you, their dad is in the picture, but maybe not that much. It feels like they care way more about him than they do you… but that’s not true. They love you both and always wish to see the parent that they don’t see as much.
Others of you co-parent seamlessly, but it’s still hard to give the kiddos up to celebrate WITHOUT you. Take Father’s Day to pamper yourself. You deserve it!! And let’s be honest, you don’t get much time to yourself – especially when the kiddos are young.
Trust me when I tell you that I get it. All. Of. It.
Father’s Day was hard for me too. It was hard for a lot of reasons mostly because my kiddos were small when their dad and I split. And days like Father’s Day reminded me that I wanted them to not just have a healthy relationship with their dad, I wanted them to SEE a healthy relationship modeled for them.
Enter … my quest to “Become Mrs. Stanley” (P.S. I wrote an entire book about this journey).
I was solo, but I knew in my heart I didn’t want to be. I wanted forever love. A soul mate. That desire didn’t make we weak or incomplete. It made me human.
Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful for my first marriage because it gave me my two beautiful children and it gave me an opportunity to learn more about the qualities I wanted in a partner. I knew I didn’t want to just jump into something unhealthy to have a warm body in the house. But I also knew I needed to do some work on myself if I was going to attract the mate that would model to our children the pillars of a healthy relationship. I was broken. I needed to do some fixing.
Let me back up….
Some of you are reading this saying to yourself, “All men are jerks. There’s NO way I want love again. I’m better off by myself.” Okay, I’ve said that. Let’s explore. Have you ever asked yourself why you believe these things? What contributed to these beliefs? Was it a failed relationship? Is it your squad of single girlfriends regularly drinking wine together complaining about men? Is it society telling us we don’t NEED a man? I’d encourage you to take a few minutes to think about why you believe what you believe. And then write those things down. I love what Ed Mylett says about our self talk:
“You’ll always get what you’re deeply convinced of.”
So, what are you convinced of when it comes to men? Once you’ve written down those beliefs, take a second and congratulate yourself. Seriously. Getting real is half the battle. It’s hard, emotional work being honest with ourselves about why we believe what we believe. Next, look for anything that will prove you’re wrong.
Here’s an example.
A belief: All men are jerks.
Fast forward: Dinner party with my good friend and her wonderful husband watching how he loves and respects her. Okay, not ALL men are jerks. There are a few good ones out there.
When you keep observing and keep writing all about the good men (the non-jerks), you begin to change your self talk.
New belief: There are plenty of great guys out there. ALL IT TAKES IS ONE.
And disproving our beliefs helps transform them. And that’s important because our beliefs shape our entire life. But what I also
For those of you who know without a doubt you want a man, same exercise. But your example may sound more like this:
A belief: I’ll never get a man because I’m broken. I’m a hot mess. Barely hanging on.
Fast forward: This morning you got up, got your kids dressed, fed them, got them to school on time and got to work.
That doesn’t sound broken to me. In fact, it’s one proof point you’ve got some of your shit together. WRITE. IT. DOWN.
The next day, maybe it’s you made a home-cooked meal and you all ate it together talking about your day. Or you took time for game night (I LOVE ME SOME GAME NIGHT). WIN! Or you went out and got ice cream when you could have all had your faces in your phones scrolling through the latest gossip on social media. WIN!
New belief: I love the time I have with my kids. I’m doing a great job. My best is different every day! Can’t wait to share it with my bad ass husband!
And then guess what… you also start to attract the person you want. The person who wants to laugh over home-cooked meals and crush you and the kids at poker, and then celebrate with fro-yo.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. It’s daily work. And start today. With the intention of transforming beliefs and disproving them. No matter where you are or who you’re with (or without) on this Father’s Day, make a commitment to yourself that you’re going to take one tiny step toward changing your negative beliefs. On day at a time and then all of a sudden, you don’t remember feeling the way you used to feel.
Oh, and Happy Father’s Day to all of the dads out there – and all of the badass moms who are pulling double duty. And a special Happy Father’s Day to my dad, and to my love, John. You’ve completed our family and my cup runneth over.
Wishing you lots of love!
P.S. A great place to write down your thoughts, is with my “Create Love Today” Journal that combines a daily planner, thoughtful exercises, journaling space, worksheets and more.
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