Having been through both sexual abuse and divorce, believe me, I understand how hard it can be to overcome the anger and the hurt and the pain and trust men again. When I was focused on my pain, and blamed my past relationships for it, that mindset caused me so much suffering. When I focused on what another person DID or didn’t do, I held onto a feeling of anger. Focusing on blame and anger took so much of my time and energy. It took energy that could have been used to spend time with my kids, play a game with them, or take care of myself.
So I had to change this way of thinking. I had to learn to let go. Over time I found a way to move on from the pain and trust men one more time. It’s not easy and there’s no magic potion. But if I hadn’t trusted men one more time, I would still be single. These are some of the steps that truly helped me trust one more time.
8 Steps to Trust Men Again after Divorce or Trauma
These are some of the things that helped me let go of the anger and pain so that I could move forward and trust men again. It’s what eventually led me to meeting my husband, who is one of the greatest blessings of my life, my biggest supporter and confidant.
1. Do the LET IT GO exercise.
Doing this specific exercise was a game changer for me. I did it multiple times. Start by writing down everything you appreciate, everything you resent, and everything you regret on a piece of paper. Then read it out loud and burn it. Doing this exercise completely changed me. Seeing what I wrote down – All the the things I did wrong, everything I was grateful for, and everything I resented, surprised me. But getting it all out on paper was extremely powerful and helped me move forward.
2. Focus on the ultimate goal.
What is your goal? Do you want real love? Do you want a husband? Do you want to find a connection and companionship? Do you want sex and romance? Even though relationships can be scary and you may have fear, your desires can be stronger than your fears. Your desire is in your heart, and you deserve to have what you desire. The more you focus on what you WANT, and the more specific you can be about exactly what you want, the stronger your pull will become and the faster you will attract it. Few things feel better than being afraid and DOING IT ANYWAY!
Focusing on exactly what you want in a spouse or romantic partner and writing it down, and recording it in your phone and reading it, editing it, adding to it multiple times a day, can keep your focus on creating that life you WANT. It can keep your focus away from what could have happened or what has happened in the past. Fill your mind with what you WANT to happen and you will see those thoughts of fear getting weaker.
3. See each past relationship as a teacher.
Writing down the love lessons learned from each person you have dated (teachers) and known closely can be extremely powerful in helping you feel grateful for that relationship, and grateful you learned something. Today you are smarter and better than you were before you met that person. It’s ONLY because of those experiences that you were able to learn and GROW! Focusing on the lessons you learned, being grateful for the experiences and for those valuable life lessons, will help you trust again so that you can begin to navigate the dating world after divorce or trauma.
4. Think of each “teacher” as a step closer to your goal.
You can’t skip over any steps! There are a certain number of steps on your path to finding the one person who is perfect for you. And you will be perfectly ready to meet them, as soon as you have taken all the steps needed to become the perfect person for THEM! You don’t get to decide how many steps you have to take. You just need to take one more! That next step, and every step will bring you one step closer to finding love again. If that next step (teacher) doesn’t show up on time, or doesn’t pay the bill, or doesn’t like you, or is a compete a**hole, then they are teaching you something and you are learning from it. You need that step. If you can believe that, then it will be easy to take another step, no matter what happened, no matter how bad the last step turned out.
5. Trust that there is a plan, even if you don’t understand it yet.
You don’t have to understand a plan to have faith. I spent hundreds of hours wracking my brain, trying to figure out why people did what they did. Don’t make the same mistake I did! You don’t need to understand. Use your faith. Believe that there is higher purpose to everything. You have no idea what you are teaching each person you have dated! They needed to meet you, too, and you don’t need to understand why in order to have faith that there’s a plan. You are part of your date’s plan, too. Let go of trying to understand everything. It doesn’t matter WHY people do what they do, They just do it.
6. Believe that your dreams are PROOF you are being prepared for them.
What could happen if you believe that each and every thing that has happened to you in the past is actually THE THING preparing you for everything you have asked for and everything you desired. What if my last “teacher” was preparing me for what I needed to learn in order to prepare me to be the wife John needed ME to be?
What if you could shift your thinking and start to feel grateful in advance for being prepared for everything you really want – prepared to find love. Wouldn’t that make it easier to trust again? This is your preparation season! Begin by being grateful in advance for the relationship that you want and desire and deserve. Then it will be easier to find the trust within yourself. Your dreams were put into your heart for a reason.
7. Imagine a future without trust.
Think about it. What will life be like in 10 years if you DON’T trust men and try again one more time, and then one more time again? John and I took our two big kids (his kids, I don’t call them my step kids, I call them my big kids) to UPW – Unleash the Power Within in Los Angeles last March. It took us through a really powerful exercise where you sit and picture how your life would be if you kept your limiting beliefs. So think about that. If you don’t trust in men again, what will you life be like in 10 years? What friendships will you lose? What will you be doing every evening? What will your weekends look like? What will your health be like? Your other relationships? Will you be lonely? Will you be sad? Will you be fulfilled without having a partner? Will you have happiness without a romantic partner, without companionship? If not, then imagine the future you DO want.
8. Take the focus inward.
Start from within. Do one thing today that makes you feel good. If like attracts like, then good attracts good! If you can do one thing that makes you feel good, then you will attract others who feel good! DOING GOOD ATTRACTS GOOD! Do one thing that helps another person and you will attract good people who help people. Doing one thing that serves someone, even if it’s yourself, will help you become a magnet for people who serve others. Practicing kindness makes you a magnet for kind people. Doing one thing that’s fun makes you a magnet for people that are fun! The secret to attracting the partner of your dreams is becoming the person of your dreams. Trusting in others will make you attract those who are trusting people and trustworthy.
It’s so hard to trust again, especially when you’ve been through trauma and divorce. But doing these things and practicing these exercises really helped me move forward and trust again. It led me on the path to finding my soulmate. And if it happened for me, it can happen for you! I truly believe that. Now it’s your turn to start believing.
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