“You complete me.”
Every time we’ve ever heard this, we were lied to. (Like pretty much every Hollywood movie, but this one in particular.) I mean, who doesn’t love that scene from the movie Jerry Maguire? Who doesn’t love that movie? Who wouldn’t want somebody to say that to us all the time?
Here’s the problem: One person doesn’t complete another person, even in love. You are already complete and wonderful by yourself!
1+1 doesn’t equal 1. Reminds me of Clydesdales. You don’t need to have two horses to pull your cart; however, did you know that one draft horse can pull 8000 pounds by itself, but two horses can pull 24,000 pounds? There’s nothing wrong with having one horse. The work will still get done. But with a partner, two horses can accomplish three times as much because they are together. Twin flames. Side by side, or as I like to call John and myself, a two-headed monster.
So as much as it is true that incredible relationships are wonderful because you have someone in your corner, you have somebody to take over if you’re sick, and you have someone helping you accomplish your goals even faster than you could do alone – your partner DOESN’T complete you. You’re not a half of a person. John doesn’t complete me. And my goal of attracting a soulmate didn’t even manifest until I fell in love with myself. Until I loved my life the way it was. Until I loved ME. And felt complete alone.
No, it’s not a straight line. There are no straight lines in relationships or growth. I didn’t make a decision to work on myself and attract a soulmate 10 minutes later. I had to take action day after day for months. The first action is on your limiting beliefs. Second, take real, physical action towards becoming the person that you want to attract.
One major step that helps us do both of those is to STOP talking about your ex. The way you accomplish any goal, even the goal of attracting your perfect partner, is to create the best you! And THAT has nothing to do with your exes (teachers). You attract who you are, and you’ll always attract what lessons you need. Once you attract someone and realize that it’s time to move on, take the lessons and let that person go. From your life and from your heart.
Be super honest with yourself. Do you really want to be a woman who’s bitter and angry about a relationship that went bad? Is that who you dreamed of being? Is that the best example for your kids, siblings, friends, employees, anyone in your life? I’ve made this mistake. I used to talk about my ex-husband ad nauseam to anyone who would listen. I spent so much time blaming him for everything. Taking no responsibility in my own actions. One day at the office, I was talking to a friend who had dropped by. I was telling the story about my divorce (again) and I got a notification on my phone. It was a text message from my team member Kari. It said:
She’s talking about her divorce again.
I was horrified. She had obviously meant to send that to a friend of hers, but she sent it to her boss (me) instead. I stopped in my tracks. I was ashamed of my behavior. I had a whole team of employees leaning on me for leadership and all I did was talk about my divorce. How is it helping them? How is it helping me? Our productivity, our morale, our effectiveness as a team? It’s not. I’m so glad that happened because I immediately called a meeting in my office. The whole team and I gathered and as I told them what happened, Kari started to cry. I consoled her. I wasn’t mad at her. I apologized for using our work time to talk about my personal life and personal struggles. That wasn’t fair to them. I promised to stop. They deserved better from me. And I did stop.
We always attract what we need to learn. I needed that text message. The same with partners. We always attract the right people to teach us exactly what we need to learn in the school of life. If your partner cheated on you, there are lessons to be learned from that experience. That doesn’t excuse or forgive their behavior. But neither will spending outrageous amounts of time talking about what a POS they are. If your partner lied to you, you must have needed some kind of lesson in there that could only be learned by someone lying to you. We just can’t grow without tough experiences. I wish it were different.
Shifting to being grateful for all of the lessons, that all of your partners have taught you, will shift your whole life.
Perhaps one the best gifts that come from relationship struggles is the ability to empathize and understand what others are going through so we can help them. We wouldn’t have the moral authority to help others going through similar experiences unless we had gone through it ourselves and learned the lessons from it. There’s a special place in my heart for people who have suffered from sexual abuse because I experienced sexual abuse. There’s a special place in my heart for single moms because I was a single mom. I’m not an expert, but I have been through the same thing and I would love to use my experiences to help others. I feel like it’s my obligation, actually. I made myself miserable dwelling on my ex-teachers that I want to help others move on faster and attract the one that loves them unconditionally. And one of the ways I finally did that was to shift to the lessons I learned.
Our exes were just teachers. It is what it is. The faster you can get to that realization and focus on creating the best you, every day – for your family, for your friends, for your parents, for your sisters and brothers, and for your children – the better everything in your life will be. As soon as you say, “I am so grateful I went through that because now I know what it’s like. Now I’ve learned. Now I am smarter. Now I can grow. Now I can help others going through the same thing.” Your life will change!
And the reason why I write this blog, and I wrote the book, and I created the video course, is because I spent too much time obsessing about how everyone had done me wrong. And obsessing about everyone else in my life instead of improving myself. I was trying to be THE person for whichever guy had my interest at the time.
That’s misery. I don’t want you to be miserable.
Let me tell you about one of my teachers.
I met this guy in Park City, long blonde hair, blue eyes, super hot… and I knew he loved to ski. That was the only reason why he was in Park City.
I hate skiing.
I don’t like the snow. I don’t like cold weather (hence the reason why I moved Arizona), but I wanted to be that perfect ski bunny that he would want. So, as soon as I got home, I took a private lesson and learned how to ski.
I invited him to come with me on a trip to Cancun. Two days before we were supposed to leave, he dumped me. I panicked. I had never gone anywhere by myself. I almost cancelled, but it was already paid for by the TV station that awarded us this trip. At the time, I didn’t feel good about it at all. I hated it. I felt rejected and not good enough. I was devastated. (so much for that skiing lesson, eh?)
I remember when he texted me to tell me that he didn’t think it was a good idea for him to come to Mexico with me, I was giving my son a bath and my phone fell into the tub. How crazy is that? How many signs do you need? I literally could not contact him because my phone went into the bathtub that night.
This trip was a group award trip so about 50 couples were on the same trip. 100% couples. In fact, the destination was an all-inclusive adult only couples resort. I don’t think they’ve ever had a guest come alone. When I got to the airport, the rest of the people in the group were asking me when my husband was arriving. Everyone was asking me and I said “No, I’m going by myself” and everyone looked at me like I was a leper. Why would anybody go to a resort in Mexico for a week by themselves? So even though I had invites to hang out with other couples, I declined all invitations. I kind of separated myself from the group and I did my own thing. Alone. Everyone at the resort asked me if I had a boyfriend or husband (novio y esposo…two of the Spanish words I actually know) everywhere I went. It was pretty funny after a while. They called me amiga sola. I had a nickname. Woman alone. Still cracks me up.
So, I asked myself, “what do you want to do on this week alone amiga sola?” And I did it all. Whatever I wanted. I went to see the Mayan ruins, I swam with the dolphins, I went to an agave farm and learned about how they make tequila. I read three books; I wrote in my journal; I went dancing, and learned how to scuba dive. I did end up meeting tons of amazing people, too.
I was alone on my birthday. That was a first! And it was glorious. I realized it wasn’t that important to be with people on the day you were born. You can celebrate yourself however you want! I was experiencing so many thing for the first time! Such a gift. Without anyone else to worry about.
That was the best week of my life up until that point. And now, I’m glad he dumped me so I could go be by myself and do all the things that I really wanted to do, instead of constantly catering to what he and everyone else wanted me to do.
When I look back on that experience, do you think that I should talk about how I got dumped over and over and over again, how he wasn’t who I thought he was, how I thought we had such a great connection, and I can’t believe that he did that to me?
ABSOLUTELY NOT. It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.*For me. Just changing that one word in that one sentence changes everything. As soon as you can shift your belief to one where everything that happens does happen for your own good and your own growth, watch out world. You will be a force to be reckoned with.
(PS, the next winter, I tore my MCL skiing, spent 5 months in a brace, and I’ve never been on a mountain since, thank you very much.)
Talking about all of the things that your ex-partner did wrong, doesn’t change any of it. What does it do? It changes your state. Changes your happiness. Changes your ability to see the good in people. And it causes you to put up a brick wall 50 feet high between you and anyone who would love you and would love to be in your life.
Every thought focused on your past relationship, every thought focused on the wrongs that people have done to you, every thought about whose fault it was, every thought of blame or wishing something had been different, is a brick in that wall you’re building. You’re building a wall that prevents love from coming in.
So start taking that wall apart, one brick at a time. Let your exes be teachers. There are lessons to be learned that could only be learned from that one situation that hurt you. It’s a gift. Growth doesn’t come from dwelling in the past; it comes from moving forward. Take those bricks and build a path to your best self, which ultimately leads to your soulmate.
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Wishing you lots of love,