It’s Good Friday today. It also happens to be a lesser known “day”… Reconciliation Day. That, plus Easter is this Sunday. I can’t help but think about rebirth and growth. I thought, how perfect is this for a day for reconciliation. And what an opportunity to sit down and think about what that means for me. I don’t know who said it, but I read somewhere, “Every time we fail, we’re not starting OVER, we’re starting from where we are.” And where we are right now includes the wisdom from lessons we learned. Failure is the greatest teacher ever, right? I’m an expert at failing! I should know.
I looked up the definition of reconciliation. I do that. I’m a nerd.
- the restoration of friendly relations.
- the action of making one view or belief compatible with another.
I love that! Restoration of friendly relations. You know what I immediately think about? Who is the common denominator in all of my relationships? Me. I am the common denominator in every relationship, so I have to reconcile with myself first. The best way to restore relationships is to restore the relationship with yourself first.
How do we do that, though? We’re flawed, we make mistakes, we don’t have our shit together, we don’t have everything figured out (hell, we don’t have anything figured out right?) Let’s be real. No one has everything figured out. Not a human being anyway.
It’s a dichotomy isn’t it? I want to love myself exactly how I am, AND I want to learn and grow and be better. I don’t want to be where I am at this moment. I want to be smarter, further ahead, closer to my goals, reach my full potential. That’s the second definition of reconciliation: the action of making one view or belief compatible with another.
Do you ever think about what God called you to do? I do. At our core we are GOD’s children, and He loves us no matter what, AND, He wants us to grow and improve. He has called each of us to do something in this life that only we can do. He made us unique because we have a special reason why we are here. I completely believe that. You know why? I can’t do what you can do. I can’t do what you are called to do. No one else can. So if each of us was called to do specific things, then the question becomes, “who do you have to become in order to carry out the calling that only you were called to do?”
Most people who read my blog are moms. We were called to be mothers. We may have been called to be single moms, but I believe that’s not an identity; it’s a season. We weren’t meant to be a lone wolf raising our kids for eternity, but we might be for a season. God wants us to be the best mom as we can, but not at the expense of our well-being and fulfillment.
For me, what held me back the most was not reconciling with my past and living with shame. It kept me from truly moving forward. I would take one step forward…feeling great, reading every day, kids are thriving, and then go out of town for work, go out to a bar with friends, drink way too much, and wake up the next morning next to a stranger. Take TWELVE steps back.
I hated myself.
It wasn’t until I let the past go and let go of who I WAS that I became someone I actually liked (most of the time).
I used to be a single mom doing her “best” (but was I really really?) who got overwhelmed and needed a break. When I told myself that, I justified stupid decisions. I deserve a break. I never have alone time. I can go party. Word hard play hard. Right?!
While those statements are true, when I told myself that, I made bad decisions. My friend Heidi says, “I may have lost my dignity, but I never lost my purse.” Oh, I can so relate to that. How did that make me feel though?
Who is that girl, and is that who I want to be?
Does that make me proud of myself?
Of course not. Makes me hungover and ashamed. The worst version of myself.
It’s hard for me to even write that sentence. Waking up next to someone I just met. Makes me want to puke. I want to put it out of my mind and never admit it. I wish it weren’t true. I really do. That is not who I am. It’s what I did though.
And, shame is a killer. It eats us from the inside out. And you know what speeds it up? Keeping it to ourselves. Shame also keeps us stuck. Shame feeds the false beliefs that you’re not good enough. And you’re not worthy of amazing relationships. That takes you down the rabbit hole and you start believing that the only good men are already married or great relationships don’t exist anyway, so it doesn’t matter. Maybe you already feel that way. I did. I felt the same way. For years. I started this blog so I could share the things that helped me feel better and transform my limiting beliefs, feel more worthy and secure, and create more joy in my life without a single change in circumstances. THOSE things are the things that led me to attracting real love. If we stay in the belief that all men are scumbags, then that gives us permission to “do whatever we want with no consequences, no regrets.” Which is true, but if those things you do make you actually feel regret and shame, you’re not free. Being honest is freedom. And I got sick and tired of feeling ashamed and broken and damaged. I wanted to feel good about myself. I want to be better, I wanted a great husband, and I wanted to BELIEVE that I freakin’ deserved one. Doing one thing that makes you proud of yourself is a strategy. So, I took action.
One of the chapters in my book is a journaling exercise for letting go. It’s one of the exercises in my Ultimate Love Strategy Workbook, too, if you want to purchase it, but you don’t need anything fancy. You can just use any paper. But I would use real paper and a pen, and not the computer ,if you can. Think about your ex-husband or past relationship, and follow the following steps:
Step 1: I resent. Write down every single thing you resent. Get it all out. Everything that you feel angry about.
Step 2: I regret. Oh snap. You made mistakes, too? Take ownership of your mistakes. Take responsibility. It takes two to tango. You know it, and I know it. Writing down everything that I was responsible for in my marriage collapsing was. HUGE. It was several pages. But it really helped me to write it all out and take a look at it. We are not victims. We are human beings stumbling through life sometimes, and we don’t learn unless we make mistakes and have challenges. Writing is therapy in and of itself. Write down everything you did that you regret.
Step 3: I Appreciate. Write down everything that was good about your past relationship. Every gift that came out of it. You didn’t hate each other at the beginning. You loved each other. You felt love at least. Perhaps your gift was a child from that relationship, or growth, or the friends you made that you never would have met had you not been with that person. So many things come out of a relationship, and when it ends, we can heal and move forward once we recognize the gifts.
Maybe that’s what reconciliation means. Recognizing the gifts. Our gifts, the gift of another day, the gift of our heart beating. The gift of having a past that we can remember. The experiences with men we have met and loved. I call them teachers. If every person in our life was put there on purpose in order to teach us something, what would that mean? There are no accidents. There are no mistakes then. Only teachers.
Then, the last step is to burn everything you’ve written down. I dare you to try it!! It’s sooo exhilarating to let shit go! And please message me and let me know how it goes!
Letting go of the past is one of the strategies for creating more love in your life and attracting your soul mate. And if you want more strategies, you can find them in my book Becoming Mrs. Stanley! And you can also sign up to receive my weekly(ish) newsletter below so you don’t miss out.
Thank you for being here and reading my blog! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you for coming to my website. Happy Easter, and happy Reconciliation Day!
Wishing you lots of love,