I used to spend so much time agonizing about past relationships (ex-teachers). I used to rack my brain about why something happened the way it did. You may have heard me say that everyone we have ever been with in the past is a teacher. I believe that everyone who is put into your life was meant to teach you something! So when we think about the past, why is it so easy to create a fantasy world where everything was so perfect, when in fact it was far from it? If you’re like me, you probably just want to understand. I would really like to understand why people do what they do. But what I’ve learned is that understanding someone’s behavior isn’t that powerful nor helpful. They just do what they do. Why is it better for you to spend your precious timed energy deciphering someone’s motives, beliefs, and behaviors? What would be the outcome? You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone, and certainly, no one needs to explain themselves to you, even if you did date them. What I’ve found is that most people can’t explain their own behavior anyway. They lack the self-awareness and lack the desire to become self-aware. Teachers we have dated may not want to take the time trying to understand why they behave the way they do, and we can acknowledge that they have that choice, and let them be.
If you were meant to be with someone, you would still be with them.
I truly believe it’s that simple. There are a million reasons why it didn’t work out with the teachers you have dated in the past, or even married. Some of us want to grow and improve, and some people like complacency and familiarity. Some people have major issues from their past relationships and childhood that they don’t want to explore nor heal from. Some people are addicted to infatuation. They seek “new landscapes” every couple of years. Marcel Proust says:
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
I think you can have new eyes for the same person forever. Just because you get married doesn’t mean life stays the same. Being in a partnership where you grow, learn, and serve each other together on this crazy journey called life is the whole point. I’m not the same person John married five years ago. I’ve read more books, learned more, and I’ve gone through new experiences. I’ve failed, gotten back up. I’ve said mean things, I’ve asked for forgiveness. My kids are teenagers now, and we’re in a totally different season than when they were 9 and 11. I’ve gained fifteen pounds, lost fifteen pounds, and I’m probably back up at least 5 pounds since the gyms have closed. I’m not any less beautiful in his eyes. I wasn’t any less beautiful fifteen pounds heavier, and I wasn’t any more beautiful fifteen pounds lighter. He’s in love with my soul. He’s my best friend. We get in arguments and quickly forgive, let it go, and get back to loving each other and being grateful for our health and our marriage. We’re in this together. You can have that, and you deserve that.
Do you really want someone who is only interested in the body or physique you have right now (or had in the past)? What if you get injured and can’t work out for a year or so? What if you get sick and you have to recoup for months? John got cancer and the treatments made him feel like shit. We didn’t work out for most of an entire year. Your body is a gift. Your health is a gift. Your shape, whatever it is, is a gift from God. There are no accidents. He made each of us in our exact perfect size and shape on purpose. You have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, but if you love yourself the way you are and if you are grateful for the healthy body you have, you will attract someone who loves your soul. Treat your body as you wold the body of your loved one. you would never tell your child that their body should be different. And of course, you will be wildly attracted to your soul mate, and of course, he will think you are the sexiest person alive, but if you don’t believe that you deserve real love, then you’ll keep falling for fake love. You don’t have to be a size 4. No one said skinny is more beautiful. That’s a lie spread by Hollywood and magazines. The goal is to get to the point in your own self-love journey that when someone says, “You’re hot.” your answer is, “I know. Do you have anything interesting to talk about? People obsessed with physique bore me.”
Isn’t what you really desire is to have a love that lasts a lifetime? So since your past “love” didn’t last a lifetime, couldn’t that be a sign from the universe that someone else who is better for you is on his way? You could believe that the past is in the past for a reason that you don’t understand now, but real love is someone who loves and adores you and cherishes you even you gain ten pounds. You could believe that being alone right now is better than being with that teacher because you are learning and growing and transforming into the person your soul mate needs you to be so you can give love the way you were put on this earth to give. You could believe that one of the purposes of our lives is to give love. It’s not about what we get, it’s what we GIVE. If you give love to someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t work to keep you, that is the universe telling you that you were not meant to be! You were meant to be in each other’s lives for a certain amount of time so you can learn what you want and what you don’t want. Everyone we have ever dated was teaching us something. Even if the only thing we learned was what we don’t want, that lesson is a very powerful lesson. Perhaps we could only have learned that one specific lesson from that one specific teacher.
When you start going down that rabbit hole about the past and feeling bad because they broke up with you, or they weren’t the one, or that they cheated on you, start telling the truth about the relationship. The real problem is that you don’t know what you don’t know. If all you know is infatuation and fake love, you don’t even know what real love feels like. You may not know (yet) what it’s really like to have a partner who loves you unconditionally. So think about all the signs when you knew it wasn’t real love and he wasn’t the one meant for you. Or when you knew it was time to move on. What did he do to make you feel less than amazing? What did he say to make you feel like you weren’t beautiful the way you are? What did he do to shift blame, make you feel like you were wrong when you weren’t? Think about a time where you felt like shit when you were together. Then think about what you learned from that.
The lessons you learn are the purpose for every relationship.
Write down the lessons you learned! Tell the truth about the relationship, and change your focus to what you learned from it. What was good about being mistreated by this teacher? Maybe you learned that you really want someone who is secure enough within himself that he doesn’t need to put you down or belittle you. Do you really think that God or the universe wants you to be with someone who criticizes you or disparages you? Maybe you did give love and you didn’t get it back. Then you learned that you want someone who puts as much effort into the relationship as you do. I learned that I needed to stop believing lies. I always wanted my teachers to be awesome, even when they didn’t want to be. But they could have chosen to be awesome! Anyone can! That’s true. But not everyone wants to put in the effort. My teachers would lie to make me think they were awesome. That behavior comes from their own shit and their own insecurity! It has nothing to do with me. but does it? Look in the mirror. When was I lying? When did I say things were OK with me when they really weren’t?
I took those lessons I learned and wrote what I REALLY wanted in my soul mate list in the notes in my phone. And I worked toward becoming that person I described. Just a little bit every day.
If you want to manifest a relationship you’ve always wanted, you must become the person you’ve always wanted to be.
My soul mate tells me the truth, even if it might upset me. Then I worked toward being honest with myself and telling the truth in every situation.
My soul mate encourages me to follow all my dreams, supports me in anything I want to do, and loves me no matter what I weigh. Then I worked toward accomplishing one goal, taking one action each day that got me closer to my dream, supporting myself in my endeavors. I focused on supporting my family and friends in their goals and dreams. And I threw away my scale and worked on loving myself at whatever weight. I made a goal to be active 5 days a week and did activities that made me feel good: hiking and yoga. As I focused on my goals of being active and accomplished that goal each day, the obsession with comparing myself to what I used to weight at my skinniest slowly but surely started to dissipate. Comparison kills our happiness, and the only way I know how to stop comparing is to work on what matters to ME. Doing something active is a MIND GAME. It’s a gift you give yourself. If you’re doing something active that you love doing, you stop comparing.
My soul mate wants to learn and grow with me and will do anything in his power to keep me. For us to believe that statement, we have to work on ourselves while we’re on our own. Read. Listen to podcasts. If you want someone who constantly improves, then work on constantly improving right now. My favorite self-improvement books are on my resources page.
When your mind plays tricks on you and makes you perceive that your past teacher was amazing, tell the truth. Write down the lessons you learned. Take your focus back to your goals and your self-improvement. Your self-improvement leads you down the path to that person who is meant to be with you forever.
Focusing within helps you grow the belief that a man like you described does indeed exist. He has already been chosen for you, and you will be together when the time is right and you are both ready. We don’t get to decide on the timing, we can only decide who we are going to be today. What are we going to do today to improve just a little? Our minds are like toddlers. They need to be redirected (all the time) when they want to go down a rabbit hole of doubt and despair that will not help us and will not serve us. It is possible to dissolve your illusions. Redirect it to your goals and dreams and take one step toward them. Your soulmate is working himself so he can be the best husband for you.
For more tips and strategies for finding love, please subscribe to my weekly newsletter or follow My Love Playlist on Spotify for inspirational love songs that helped me find the right person for me after divorce. And if you’d like to read my book, you can order it here!
Wishing you lots of love and lessons,