I didn’t tell very many dating disaster stories in my book, for many reasons. One, the book would have been 4,000 pages long. Second, they are embarrassing and I feel like an idiot. Third, I didn’t want to disrespect my husband by talking about my idiotic escapades as a newly divorced psychopath. However, now that so much time has gone by and everything is starting to make sense, I realize that if you change one thing, you change it all. Every dude (teacher) taught me something valuable. Now, I sincerely believe that every teacher was hand-picked and placed before me at that moment at that place to teach me something I needed to learn. God doesn’t make mistakes. And if I had given up on men and stopped believing that real love was possible and that I deserved it, I’d still be in the same place as I was ten years ago. Actually, thirteen years. I was separated in 2007.
I was angry.
Right after I separated from my ex-husband, I was PISSED. I hated men, even though I desperately wanted to be WANTED, since my soon-to-be ex-husband “didn’t want to do anything to keep me.” I was angry at my ex for not “trying”. (Lies I used to believe.) I was angry that he had “ruined our family”, and I blamed everything on him. I hadn’t taken ANY responsibility for my role in the collapse of my marriage, and as a side note, I hadn’t dated that much before I met him. He was my first actual boyfriend. I was only 22 when we met. I have a daughter that age now, and thankfully she’s lightyears ahead of me in maturity. Guess who you attract when you believe that all men are the worst, marriage is the worst, and you never want to be tied down again? The worst!
Teachers who don’t want to be with you. Married men. Once you put out the intention that you don’t want commitment and you just want someone who is the exact opposite of your ex, then watch out. Ask and ye shall receive! That is exactly who you will attract. These predators can smell it from a hundred miles away.
After a while, my anger started to dissipate and I really did want to have a boyfriend. I wanted someone to love and do things with. I wanted to have fun. And…well…I attracted teachers who were fun! I met them out at clubs, and I always thought they would want to see me again later. They didn’t. I met one teacher from Israel who was coming down the stairs when I was coming up, and he literally put his hands together and said “Namaste” when I walked by. A YOGI! We weren’t a match, and it wasn’t exactly a dating disaster, but I LOVED having a boyfriend who did yoga with me. I added it to my list.
A few dating disaster stories:
I met a teacher (who we’ll call “Park City” since that’s where I met him) who was raised Pentecostal, a fundamentalist Christian religion similar to my own upbringing. I thought we had so much in common. We talked for hours every day for weeks, and we made plans for me to come out to visit him, and right before that, I won a trip to Mexico for a week. I asked him if he wanted to come, and he said sure! I fly to Texas to go visit him for New Years – he lived in Dallas – and as soon as I get there, he casually mentions that he doesn’t believe in monogamy.
So, naturally, I casually pretended that I didn’t want to get right back on the airplane, fly back home to Arizona, and cry all weekend. What did I do? There was only one thing I could do: Drink. Party and pretend! I was an expert. Drink and act as if I don’t know that he doesn’t REALLY want me. Act like I’d be delighted if he would sleep with a thousand women, in addition to me. That would be my ultimate favorite thing ever. Oh, and don’t forget, that in two weeks, you will have to do this again in Mexico for seven days straight.
He dumped me the day before we were supposed to leave.
I went alone, and everyone at the resort called me “amiga sola” (woman alone) the whole week. It was a couples-only “Love Boat” Resort on Land. Literally, I don’t think anyone had EVER been there alone in the history of the resort. But, it turned into one of the best blessings of my life. Had he not so fabulously dumped me, I wouldn’t have read three books that week. I wouldn’t have swum with the dolphins like I’d always wanted to do. I wouldn’t have had all of these experiences ALONE that I had never had. It was glorious.
Your dating disasters are not disasters. They are fabulous lessons that you can ONLY learn with that person at that moment. They are teaching you what you want and don’t want. A dating disaster prepares you for the one and only that will love you, cherish you, and adore you forever!
Take what you learned from your dating disaster, and add it to your soul mate list!
Turning your disasters into your dreams is easy: Take what you learned, and add it to your soul mate list. The things that learned from Park City that I DIDN’T want, I put the opposite in my soul mate list.
Park City doesn’t believe in monogamy. ALLLLrighty then!
My soul mate is committed to a relationship for life. My soul mate wants me and only me. He only wants to be with me for the rest of his life. And did I mention that my soul mate doesn’t want to share me with anyone and he will fill up my calendar and he won’t be interested in anyone else? Ever? Just to make suuuuper crystal clear on this, universe. (I didn’t put that last part).
Park City called me every night, which I loved. But he was a big drinker. Did not love that.
My soul mate loves to talk to me and listens to what I have to say. My soul mate drinks occasionally.
Park City dumped me and then wouldn’t answer the phone.
My soul mate always takes my calls, always makes time for me, and always answers his phone even if it’s just to tell me he’ll call me right back. My soul mate cultivates his relationships and I am his first priority.
Park City teacher was fun. Liked to dance.
My soul mate loves to go dancing with me.
One teacher from San Francisco literally showed up for our date in the same Harvard sweatshirt as he was wearing THE NIGHT BEFORE. When I glanced down at his feet, I saw that he had a plastic shopping bag. As in plastic grocery bag. When I told him I was hungry and wanted to grab some quick lunch, he didn’t pay the bill. Soooo….I wasn’t sure what to put on my soul mate list. My soul mate isn’t homeless? It can’t be in the negative; it has to be in the positive form. My soul mate…has a home? I actually didn’t write that. I just wanted to share that hilarious and embarrassing story. Pretty sure I went on a date with a homeless guy. With a Harvard sweatshirt. Which he wore two days in a row. That I know of. Good times.
One teacher from Scottsdale said he was going through a divorce and had two kids. We had so much fun, and I thought we had so much in common. Scottsdale gave me what turned out to be his work phone number. Fantastic! I called (don’t ever do that—let them come to you) and he stammered and stuttered a bit before spitting it out: “I had a great time, but I’m really trying to work it out with my wife,” he says. Perfect. My soul mate doesn’t want his wife back. I’m kidding again. Scottsdale was fun, we laughed a lot. What I actually wrote was: My soul mate reminds me to lighten up and we have so. much. fun. together.
This is my reality. All the teachers combined taught me what I wanted and didn’t want. That’s how I attracted John. These strategies work, mamas! Get out there and learn some stuff, or don’t! Either way works. You can go have new experiences with new teachers, or you can spend time alone and reflect on every date you’ve ever been on, and focus on the lessons you’ve already learned. You can create your soul mate list from your past, and attract the partner you truly desire!
But don’t just take my word for it, read Sarah’s words: Sarah’s blog post, “A Love Like I’ve Never Had Before”
Wishing you lots of love!