I spent a lifetime thinking I was damaged goods. I had too much baggage. No one great would want someone with two kids, a divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure, and repo. Plus, the fact that I was molested as a kid led me to believe that I would never find love. My inner b*tch would tell me: I was too fat, too tall, too loud, too overwhelming, I ate too much, my butt was too big, I wasn’t a good mom, I wasn’t good at marketing, my boobs aren’t big enough, and I was going to be alone forever. Oh, and no one really likes me that much.
I talk at length in my book about silencing that inner b*tch because I had to come up with strategies to shut her up and create self-worth and self-love. I use them continuously. I still do. This morning my daughter Leah told me that (this week at her dad’s house) she has been going on walks every day. I always ask her to go on walks with me and John, and she never says yes. I asked her why she was going with her dad and not me, and she said, “because you only want to be alone with John after 6 pm.” Ouch. Stab to the heart daughter! That’s not true! But according to this fourteen-year-old girl, she gets ignored every night and her mom only wants to be alone with her stepdad. Awesome.
It made me feel sad. I felt guilty for not spending enough time with my kids last week. The curse of a working mother. When you’re working, you feel guilty for not spending time with your kids and when you’re spending time with your kids, you feel guilty for not working harder. Then I remembered my strategies. First, acknowledge the belief that’s making you feel bad:
I’m not a good mom.
Second, think of every instance that proves that belief is FALSE: Today, I reminded myself that I have invited her to walk with me multiple times, and we played Yahtzee right before she left for her father’s house. We played poker and blackjack (hey, life skills they need!) the night before she left (several nights last week, in fact). I say “I love you” every chance I get, I call her every night to say goodnight. This is what I have to tell myself to get rid of that inner b*tch telling me I’m not a good mom because Leah wants to take walks with her dad and doesn’t want to take walks with me. Silencing that inner b*tch is crucial to cultivating love and self-worth from within.
It’s an everyday practice and it’s so crucial especially now when we can’t get together and you might be feeling lonely and sad missing your friends and family.
Do something that makes you proud of yourself!
Another strategy for quieting that negative inner critic is doing something that makes you proud! My turning point that set me on a mission to become the person I wanted to BE in order to attract the person I wanted to be WITH happened at my best friend’s wedding. If it can happen for one of us, it can happen for all of us. I realized that I wasn’t going to attract a badass unless I felt like a badass when I walked out the door. On my way home from the wedding, I made a list of everything I needed to do to feel like a badass. I call it my boss list.
Up until that point, I felt less than my best, so I was attracting people who felt the same about themselves.
So I made small progress toward everything on my boss list every day. Taking one action that gets us closer to our goals is a strategy for increasing our self-worth! Once I got busy crossing items off my boss list and just worked little by little on it every day, I changed little by little.
No one can give you self-worth; creating self-worth is an inside job.
And until you cultivate self-worth, and firmly believe you deserve a badass husband, you will confuse infatuation with real love. Until you believe you are an amazing woman who deserves real love, you will settle for attention and flattery. Until you truly believe you are just as badass as the badass husband you haven’t found yet, you will continue to convince yourself that every passing infatuation could be the one. Once you create self-worth from within and love yourself for who you are, you will no longer accept unworthy substitutes for real love.
You won’t need them, and you definitely won’t want them.
I didn’t even have all my items crossed off my list when I got together with John. I had to tell him right out of the gate that I had massive IRS debt. It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are, it only matters that you’re making progress towards your goals on your boss list. The progress is the magic! taking action toward a goal creates that belief within yourself that you are awesome!