If you’ve read my story, then you know I feel strongly that our beliefs affect our lives and what we are able to achieve. Henry Ford said it a hundred years ago, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” If you believe that love isn’t possible for you because [fill in the blank] or that there are no amazing single men out there, then that will become your reality. I know, because I had limiting negative beliefs about myself and about relationships that kept me single for years. Transforming negative beliefs is possible, and life-changing.
Recognizing and Transforming Negative Beliefs
Whether you realize it or not, if you have been harboring negative beliefs about whether you are ready to find love, or able to find love, or capable of being loved, then you could be precluding love from coming to you.
Particularly if you are one of those people (like I was) who makes bold statements while secretly wishing that even though you say you don’t need a man, you don’t want a relationship right now, all men are idiots, blah, blah, blah, you know those are lies and you truly want real love, the real thing. Deep down when you see couples walking hand in hand, or when you watch an older couple kiss while they’re having dinner, or for me, when I would see a whole family together at church doing something as a complete family (I would sit behind them and cry the whole time). I knew I wanted that, a complete family doing things together. So I had to work on transforming negative beliefs I had that were LIES, that weren’t serving me, and that were based on the past.
If you find yourself saying these types of negative statements or believing these kinds of pessimistic thoughts, that’s completely normal! We have all been through experiences that “taught us” to believe all kinds of junk that is simply not true. But acknowledgement is the first step, because most of our thoughts and beliefs are unconscious. So if we can bring them to the surface, recognize them, then we can begin to lift the power they have over us! It’s like being hypnotized. These negative beliefs are not yours alone. Someone else has had them, too. But they are preventing you from finding love, and from attracting your soulmate. Let me know if any of these resonate with you:
1. I will be ready for a relationship when I… (fill in the blank).
Oh, this was a big one for me. I had a million of these. Let’s see how many we can name. I will be ready to date someone when I lose 10 lbs. Or when I make more money, or buy a house, pay off my debt. I decided to let go of this notion that there’s a time and a date when I will be “ready” or perfect, when I have arrived [hopefully by the time I am 40]. No! Doesn’t work that way. I decided to let go of the timing completely and do something each day to improve myself and make me feel better about me. That’s when the magic started to happen.
As I did one thing at a time and I took one day at a time, I started to feel better more often. It’s a gradual process, but it was definitely noticeable. The sky won’t open up and a light won’t shine on you to say, hey, it’s time, your life is perfect now. No! Life keeps happening. It keeps changing. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but we just keep learning and growing. As John C. Maxwell says, “There is no finish line. If you cross it, you’re finished.” No one arrives, no one is “ready” for anything – it’s all unknown. But you can stop letting things determine your worth.
You can stop letting things like debt and self-doubt determine whether or not you are “ready” for a relationship. I had debt, I was renting a house that I wasn’t particularly proud of. I didn’t make a ton of money. I was 40, I had two small kids to raise, I had them 90% of the time. I had an older car. I had all the things that some would say made me not ready or unworthy of finding a great man like John. But, I started focusing on what would make me feel good, and I did it. I asked myself, “What would make me feel proud at the end of the day?” And I did that one thing. You can put value on yourself and on the qualities you do have to offer and add value to someone around you. And then this belief that you “have to have _______ to be ready” gradually disappears.
2. Because I work from home, I will never meet anyone.
I said this many times. Guess what, I still work from home and I always will. And I married one of my clients, which still cracks us up every day! I still do his marketing for his business, and when I am walking around with him at his company dressed in my suit it’s so surreal. It immediately takes us back to a decade ago, when I was a stranger and I was just his “advertising person.”
We don’t have to figure out the how or the when or the who. All we have to do is work on BECOMING that person we want to BE WITH, every day. Keep our focus on that every day and let go of “How the hell am I going to meet someone?” The work is all on the inside. But I definitely did set myself up to be open to meeting new people. I hiked alone, I would go work at Starbucks for a couple hours, I would go to lunches and happy hours with friends. Not because I was hoping to, or anxious to, meet someone on that day or that moment. But because I was demonstrating to the Universe that I was open to the unknown, open to what could happen next. And it’s important to get out and have some fun!
I had a LOT of help. I spent tons of money on babysitters because I had my kids all the time and I had to travel a little and go to meetings. My sister, my cousin, my parents, they all helped me constantly in addition to my other babysitters. You need your ME TIME. Mom needs to take care of mom. By taking care of yourself, you’re also demonstrating how you want your soulmate to take care of you. My hubby loves it when I’m getting my nails done or going to yoga, because that means his wife is getting take care of. He wants me to be happy and healthy, and happy about my nails! Sounds silly, but it’s true. I look at my hands and smile because I spent decades biting my nails and was embarrassed about them my whole life. I would bite them until they bled. I was ashamed of the habit, and I was ashamed of my hands. So now that I have manicured nails, I love it. It makes me smile. Find those things that make you happy, even if you think they’re stupid or silly and “not that important.” If they make you smile even a little, then do it!
3. I’m a single mom raising two kids, so I will never meet someone.
Trust me, I have been there. And especially after a rough night with the kids, I would wonder – Who the hell would want to deal with this sh*t show? This belief kept me single for a long time. Here’s the thing. I hope you’re starting to see the pattern here. I was a single mom raising two kids and I did manifest my soulmate when they were 9 and 11. Still a loooong way to go. That belief is incorrect, wrong, not true, not helpful, not accurate, not serving ANYONE. When you meet the right person, none of your current circumstances matter. None of them. I don’t care what your circumstances are. If you have a hard time believing this, then read this every day. All of the beliefs I had, even if they aren’t the same as yours right now, were WRONG. It wasn’t until I started focusing on what I really wanted and focused on improving myself that those beliefs stopped popping up in my brain, slowly but surely. So that means the same can happen for you!
Stop deciding for someone else what they are going to like or not like.
4. Because I don’t like _____ about my body, no one else will like it either.
It’s funny, my friend and I were talking about this and she told me that her least favorite thing about herself just happened to be her husband’s FAVORITE thing about her. Today I have a husband who has always hated his nose, which to me is so funny. That’s the nose of the love of my life, and it’s my nose now, and it’s the nose of my favorite person. So it’s the best nose on the planet! I love all his features because they belong to him. He loves my butt, the same butt that for my whole life I have believed was too big. Too big? For who? What’s “big” What’s “small?” Compared to what? And who decides the size and shape that’s the “right” one?
Turns out my least favorite thing about myself is my husband’s favorite thing about me! Who are you to decide what your new partner likes and doesn’t like? He will love everything about you, even the parts that aren’t your favorite. So you can start NOW by saying “My soulmate loves every part of my body, every inch, every freckle, every cellulite ripple, every scar, every blemish,” even your old tattoo you got when you were 20 and dumb and didn’t know what a “tramp stamp” was, “because it belongs to the person he loves more than anyone else in the Universe, Me.”
Add that to your soulmate list. He wants you to feel good about yourself and be cared for, and he will want to take care of his precious human. He will do that, and you can start doing that. Stop deciding for someone else what they are going to like or not like. That’s nunya bidness.
5. I am too scared to start dating again.
This is a big hurdle, and I don’t think you should take this one lightly. It’s not easy to trust someone after you have been hurt, or your heart has been broken. At first I felt the exact same way. I didn’t know how to trust men again and I didn’t think I could even be in a relationship again. But you don’t have to be scared. You don’t have to jump in either.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And you do have to trust those gut feelings. Someone told me once (I wish I could remember who it was!) Prayer is you talking to God, and gut feelings are God talking to us. I truly believe that.
When you have a gut feeling about someone, trust it. And when I meet anyone and my gut is telling me something’s off, I run in the opposite direction. Don’t waste any time with anyone that is not who you want to be. When it’s right, you will know and you won’t feel like it’s a mistake. You won’t be scared anymore. But you will never know until you trust yourself enough to try.
You can believe that you are deserving of love, deserving of finding your soulmate. You have got to trust yourself first, so that you will know how to open up and allow someone in again. I know I’ve probably said this in another blog post, but your desire to have real love CAN be stronger than your fear. Take one step at a time, one day at a time.
How to Transform Your Negative Beliefs
It all starts with that first step, acknowledging the beliefs you have right now. Write them down. Examine them. Ask yourself what is REALLY TRUE. What are all the possibilities of that statement that would dispel it? Do you truly hold all these negative beliefs, or are you simply saying them because you are afraid to get hurt again?
Have you been so conditioned to think that it would be selfish for you, as a single mom or single person, to want to find love again? You think you are too old? Too young? Are you convinced of these things to the point where your self esteem is lower than what you deserve? You don’t have to feel that way anymore. I was there, and I understand.
I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to be in that place. When I had that revelation at my best friend’s wedding it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It shaped my future. Let today be your revelation. My past beliefs were never true. Your beliefs based on the past may not be serving you anymore, and guess what? You can let them go. I know, because doing these things changed my beliefs and changed my life. How about taking one step today and one step tomorrow, and one step the next day? Just one thing. Give it a try!
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