A friend called me this week and said, “I’m so angry! What do I do?”
His ex-wife started dating a wealthy guy with an 11,000 square foot house. And his ex-wife moving on with someone wealthy brings up all this anger. He’s angry that he stayed with her for so long, and she didn’t work, so the divorce left him with no money, and a huge alimony and child support payment that was higher than his income. All he could think about was “I was robbed of 30 years of my LIFE because I stayed with her, went completely broke because I divorced her, and now she’s going to dance off into the sunset with a rich guy.”
Ouch. Divorce is so painful, isn’t it? I heard someone say that divorce is almost harder than death because if your spouse dies, there’s nothing you could have done about it. If you divorce, you’re always wondering if there was something you could have done to prevent it, or make your marriage work. I spent way too many years completely pissed off. I was angry all the time. I talked bout my ex-husband ad NAUSEUM. I blamed every single thing on him. Right after I separated from my ex-husband, when I was still working in an office, and I hadn’t started working from home yet, one of my staff members (who thought she was sending a text to a girlfriend) accidentally texted to ME (I was her boss), “Oh My God, my boss is talking about her divorce again.” I looked down at this text and FROZE. I’m talking about my divorce again. I was mortified. I was so embarrassed. My own employee should not have to listen to me bitch and moan for hours and hours about my ex and my divorce. That is not helping me, and that is not who I wanted to be. I really needed to get my shit together and be a better leader to my people. I really struggled with this, and anger kept me stuck for a long time, but I found certain things that helped me move past anger and move forward.
First, I did the “Let it Go” exercise I talk about in my book. You can download the Ultimate Love Strategy workbook that includes this exercise right here, but all you really need is a piece of paper. It really helps to take responsibility for what you did, and then let it go. I couldn’t let it go until I looked at all the good things that came out of our marriage, all the things I did wrong, and then forgave myself for making all those mistakes. This exercise was key to helping me forgive him as well.
Now, when I get angry, I ask myself: Why am I angry? Is it because something didn’t go the way you had planned?
It’s usually because someone didn’t do something I wanted them to do, (can we say major control issues much?) and perhaps that person was me. I didn’t do something I really needed to do.
What story am I making up about it?
He doesn’t give a shit, he ignores me, she’s an idiot, she is thoughtless, I’m stupid, I always forget, she doesn’t care, he always interrupts…
That inner bitch loves to make up stories, right? They aren’t true. That link will take you to another article I recently wrote an article about silencing that inner critic in your head, and I did a video on the same subject as well, if you want some strategies that worked for me.
Tell the truth about the situation. If thinking about your divorce or your ex moving on creates feelings of anger, feel the feelings. Allow your feelings to come up. Feelings come and go. We get into real trouble when we suppress them.
But when we just tell the truth, not the story around it, we can look at things objectively. The past happened. Your marriage died. It is a death and needs to be mourned. We can mourn a divorce just like we mourn death. It is painful, and we don’t just “get over it”one day. Just like death, you may always think about it and be sad it happened. But as time goes by and you practice redirecting and focusing inward and choosing to move forward with your goals and dreams, the anger can go away.
And then change the focus to yourself! Your mind is a toddler, I will say this over and over, it needs constant redirection. Redirect it to that beautiful amazing one-in-seven-billion superwoman in the mirror! You can only attract a badass is you feel like a badass when you walk out the door! If you are focused on creating an incredible life for you and your kids, then you won’t focus on the past and everything that went wrong. Be so focused on making small progress on your goals on your boss list so you can become a badass and attract a badass, that you don’t even think about your ex. If you do what you love to do, and move your body, you change your state, release some endorphins, trigger those new feelings, and anger dissipates.
Use anger to fuel to be better and get better in every area of your life!
Be grateful. Grateful your past relationship happened, grateful for the lessons, grateful for the good memories, and focus on being grateful you are FREE! And you can live the life the way YOU want to live!
You are what you repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
That quote has been attributed to Plato and Aristotle, and I’m not sure who really said it. But it’s one of my most favorite quotes ever. Everything we are comes from our habits! And we can change habits! So we can change our lives. You can practice redirecting. We’ll be practicing gratitude and redirecting our focus to things that help us move forward and help us grow every day for the rest of our lives.
We can change feelings with our behavior. What does a badass do that losers don’t? Badasses work out. Badasses smile and laugh. Badasses work really hard on their goals. Badasses are kind and generous. Whatever your definition of a badass perfect partner is, write it down. I asked myself, why DON’T I feel like a badass when I walk out the door? And I made a list, and I got to work.
I used my goal of attracting an awesome husband as fuel to help me become the person I wanted to be. If you want something you’ve never had, you have to become someone you’ve never been.
So if you want to find love after divorce and let go of your anger, and attract a relationship like you’ve never had before, you have to become the person you’ve always wanted to be! What kind of person is that? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to marry? Do you have it written in your soul mate list? ou get to choose who you want to be.
I still get angry sometimes. We’re human. We’ll always have all kinds of emotions. But practicing these strategies helped me let go of the anger from my past. Now, I don’t let anger stay very long.
Be so focused on your mission and your purpose that you are literally too captivated and working so hard, that you don’t have time to think about the past. The past is there. It happened. Focus on all the love you have in your life all around you and you become a magnet for love. True love finds YOU.
That’s what happened for me, and if it can happen for one of us, then it can happen for all of us. Letting go of the past is one of the strategies for creating a better life and attracting your soul mate. and if you want more strategies, you can find them in my book Becoming Mrs. Stanley! And you can also sign up to receive my newsletter below, so you don’t miss out on tips on how to attract the love of your life!
Wishing you lots of love!
Oh, and another strategy is listening to a love playlist with ONLY songs that are positive and inspirational! It helps you believe that it’s possible to find true love after divorce. If you’d like to follow me on Spotify, my whole playlist is there, and I add to it every time I find another great love song.